Six Questions To Ask To See If Your Relationship Needs a Tuneup Or Is Even Worth It

Midlife Marriage Tuneup: 6 Questions to Strengthen Your Relationship

As we reach midlife, many couples find themselves at a crossroads, wondering how to reconnect and deepen their relationship after years of raising children and building careers. In a thought-provoking article by Catherine Pearson, titled “The Midlife Marriage Tuneup,” she shares six key questions that couples can ask to reignite their connection and build a fulfilling future together. You can find the original article here: The Midlife Marriage Tuneup.

Here’s a breakdown of those six essential questions and how they can help transform your relationship:

1. What Is Our Next Chapter?

After years of shared responsibilities like raising kids and career-building, midlife offers couples a chance to redefine what their relationship means for the future. This is a great opportunity to dream together—whether it’s about traveling, starting a new hobby, or taking on a shared goal. Couples should discuss what the "next chapter" of their relationship will look like. Dreaming together strengthens the bond by giving the partnership a shared sense of purpose and optimism.

2. What Are We Modeling for Our Children?

Even when your children have grown, you’re still modeling what a relationship looks like. By reflecting on how you interact with your partner, you’re teaching your children important life lessons. How do you handle conflict? Do you still prioritize each other? These interactions can shape how your children approach their own relationships, even in adulthood. Showing them that relationships require effort is one of the best legacies you can leave behind.

3. How Do I Contribute to Our Problems?

This is where the real work comes in. Self-reflection is key to improving any relationship, and midlife is a good time to ask yourself: “How do I contribute to the challenges in our relationship?” It’s easy to point fingers, but self-awareness about your own role can empower you to make positive changes. Couples should think about how they show up for each other and consider what they can personally do to strengthen the relationship, rather than always focusing on what their partner could improve.

4. What Skills Have We Developed?

It’s important to acknowledge the strengths in your relationship. Over the years, couples develop communication patterns, many of which can be highly effective. Celebrate the positive skills you’ve acquired—whether it’s resolving conflict, active listening, or showing appreciation for one another. By focusing on what you’re doing right, you reinforce those behaviors, which can bring you closer together. Taking time to recognize these skills helps couples build on their strengths, not just dwell on areas for improvement.

5. Is This Relationship Worth It?

Relationships are a mix of joys and challenges, and midlife is often a time for “relational reckoning.” You might not get everything you want from your partner, but are the trade-offs worth it? Maybe your emotional connection is strong, but other aspects, like intimacy, need work. It’s okay to grieve the things you may not get from your relationship, but also to find peace in the strengths and love you share. Acknowledging the imperfections in both partners is a key to long-term happiness.

6. Should We Seek Outside Help?

Sometimes, couples reach a point where they can’t work through their challenges on their own. This is where outside help can make a difference. Whether through couples therapy or individual counseling, seeking help from a professional can prevent small issues from becoming insurmountable. Therapy offers a space for couples to reflect, communicate, and address lingering resentments before they cause irreparable harm. Don’t wait for things to explode—invest in the health of your relationship early.

Final Thoughts These six questions should really propel some deep, introspective conversations with you and your spouse. I pray you are able to resolve issues and really shift into a positive place in your relationship and marriage.

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